THE # 1 OVERLOOKED SIGN THAT A DIVORCE IS JUST AHEAD

Some signs of divorce are obvious and predictable, like the sign pictured above. You find telling photos, texts, voice messages on your spouse's phone, PDA or computer. Maybe your spouse is paying much more attention to their personal appearance or has been to the plastic surgeon. Inexplicably, your husband buys the convertible or the sailboat that he has always wanted. All of these are indeed storm clouds that cause people to take heed.

But one of the most telling signs that a divorce may be in the offing is not one that you would even think about, unless you are a divorce attorney or have been through your own divorce. Be very wary when your spouse says, "that it is time for you to go back to work."

I cannot tell you how many times in my divorce practice when the stay-at-home spouse, frequently the wife, mentions to me that her husband has been constantly telling her that it is "time to get a job." Often, a number of different rationales are offered by this spousal employment counsellor. "We could really use the extra money"; or "it would be good for your self-esteem"; or "the children are in school all day or old enough to take care of themselves"; or "we could use your salary to buy the things we always wanted or take that European vacation."

Indeed, some of these professed reasons may be very true and innocent but they may also signal a hidden agenda or motivation. Why? Because the spouse urging "re-employment" may have already decided to initiate a divorce and wants to ensure that he does not have to pay alimony and/or wants his unsuspecting wife to contribute to any child support awards. And how does he know that? Most likely, because he has already seen a divorce attorney in a consultation and received advice about how to limit his obligations or financial exposure to his soon-to-be jettisoned spouse.

As I have discovered in my divorce practice, the people who came to my office for a consultation fell into two broad categories. One was comprised of the people who knew they wanted a divorce and often said "it had been coming for years." They were there to gather information so that they could construct a detailed divorce plan one which minimized their financial obligations, before announcing their intentions to their spouse. The other group was made up of people who professed that they had little to no idea that a divorce was in the offing, said "they were shocked and blindsided," and claimed that the divorce "came out of nowhere."

In reality, the divorce announcement probably did not come "out of the blue" but rather the unsuspecting spouse had failed to read or recognize the clues that a divorce was just ahead. Sometimes, a conversation about downsizing ("this house is too big and too costly") or reducing spending (I just reduced our credit card limit) or re-employment (putting aside the misogynistic nature of the concept itself- i.e., the stay-at-home spouse doesn't actually work) has no hidden agenda. Still, when a spouse repeatedly hears one or more of these expressions it may be time to say how do I protect myself from a divorce that may be on the horizon?

One of the best ways to prepare yourself for a divorce, wanted or unwanted, is to read my recently released and critically acclaimed book, "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney", available in hardcover, paperback and eBooks on Amazon , Barnes & Noble and Draft2Digital .

In this easy to read, compelling book you will find other invaluable tips, strategies and advice such as when to consult with a divorce attorney, how to select the best attorney for your case, how to minimize the costs of divorce, financially and emotionally, and how to avoid the critical errors that undermine your case. Reading this book now may be the most important thing you can do for yourself and your children.

When You Hear The Words - "I Want A Divorce"

During my many years as a Divorce Attorney I found that the people who came to my office for a divorce consultation fell into two broad categories. One was comprised of the people who knew they wanted a divorce and often said "it had been coming for years." They were there to gather information so that they could construct a detailed divorce plan before announcing their intentions to their spouse.

The other group was made up of people who had little to no idea that a divorce was in the offing, said "they were shocked and blindsided," and claimed that the divorce "came out of nowhere." This group of people have no divorce plan in place and frequently have no idea where to start or how to get the critical information they need.

My recently released book, "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney", is the first place to turn when you hear the words "I want a divorce." It is filled with invaluable information, tips, and strategies. This book is intended to help those people in the latter category who are in need of help and direction at a critical juncture in their lives. It is currently available on Amazon, in digital, paperback and hardcover formats, as well as Barnes & Noble, and Google Books.

What is unique about this book on divorce is that its invaluable advice does not come from dry, solemn pronouncements or preachy sermons but rather from a multitude of true, compelling stories which dramatically illustrate, in practical terms, what divorcing spouses need to know and how to avoid the critical mistakes which undermine their cases.

Filled with meaningful advice from a front-line soldier of the divorce wars – a successful veteran divorce attorney - the book is designed to help divorcing parties and their attorneys achieve the best possible outcomes in their divorce cases. Some of the areas covered in the book are:

• when to consult with a divorce attorney

• how to select the best divorce attorney for your case

• what to tell and not tell your divorce attorney

• what are the costs of divorce, both emotionally and financially

• what are the key mistakes which divorcing parties need to avoid

• how to move past your divorce in a healthy way.

In the final analysis, all of the stories and advice will better prepare people for the life-altering experience that is divorce, as well as life after divorce.

January is National Divorce Month

It seems we have a National Month for almost everything. In addition to all of the monthly observances that honor virtually every ethnic group, gender, sexual orientation, creed, belief and religion there are a host of other monthly celebrations including, for example, National Bird-Feeding Month, National Mustache Month, National Pet Month, National Pizza Month, National Bike Month, National Ice Cream Month, not to mention, National Explosive Ordinance Disposal Day.

So is it any wonder that Divorce has its own Month - the Month of January. Not only is it now formally recognized as such, but also there are reasons and statistics to support the notion that January is a big month for those seeking to leave their marriages.

Speak to any seasoned divorce lawyer and you will find that telephone calls and requests for divorce consultations begin to drop off in the period between November and December. This was certainly a trend which I saw in my 40-year divorce practice.

During November and December, nothing could be heard in my office but crickets. But come January, the floodgates opened and the telephones in my office began ringing off the hook. On top of that, there were the desperate pleas from potential clients for the first consultation date available - "Can you see me today?"

But why? First and foremost, very few spouses want to pull out the divorce card as the holidays approach in order to cushion the blow to the other spouse or the children. Silently, some think to themselves; “let’s have one more happy holiday together, or if we can’t manage that, at least one less unhappy holiday.”

However, once January rolls around, the "silently unhappy spouse" who wants the divorce moves to “full speed ahead.” In a famous New York divorce case, the husband got an early jump on the process and actually had his wife served with the divorce papers on Christmas Day. “Sorry, honey, but I didn’t know what else to get you so I got you a divorce summons and complaint, charging you with cruel and inhuman treatment. I hope you like it!”

The reasons for this phenomenon are multi-faceted. Ironically, the stress of the Festive Season can actually hasten the demise of the marital relationship. During this holiday season families end up spending much more personal time with each other and traveling substantial distances to be with each other. The stress of travel and the 24/7 up-close, extended, multi-day get-togethers often do not necessarily produce feelings of love and contentment. Just the opposite.

We saw this phenomenon with the Covid epidemic when married couples, along with their children, were quarantining together for weeks and the divorce rate subsequently shot up. Moreover, when the holidays fail to measure up to that fairly-tale "Hallmark Christmas Card" we are often left deflated, anxious and unhappy. And the reason for these unwanted negative feelings - "it must be you - it's not me."

Indeed, some social scientists have suggested that the holidays often create unrealistic standards about what the holidays should be like, and that can amplify people's feelings of anxiety and depression. When this happens, we start believing that everyone else is living perfect lives with perfect relationships. Everyone except me!!! Now where did I put the telephone number of that divorce lawyer.

Sometimes, the reason for the New Year divorce greeting is economic. For example, if your spouse just received the year-end bonus from his or her employer, filing the divorce case early in the year not only ensures that the bonus is "marital property" but also ensures that it gets preserved for future division in the divorce action. On the other side of this financial coin, the filing of the divorce action also means that any subsequently acquired assets (new businesses, pension contributions, real estate, etc.) are "my separate property" and outside of the marital estate.

Finally, there are other economic pressures. Now that we have purchased mountains of toys, that brand new car with the big red bow on the top ("thanks, honey, but I wanted a blue car") the jewelry and the Rolex watches, the post-holiday credit card bills start pouring in and we are left with the thought "what was I thinking?" For many people the answer is to get off this sinking ship before these bills pull us under. Also, tax season is coming in April and I do not want to sign another bogus tax return prepared by my spouse.

Wait!! Stop!! I am sorry. I wanted to finish writing this blog but I have to stop here. My telephone is ringing off the hook and I have five new consultations scheduled for today.

On a serious note, anyone who is thinking about a divorce or is in the middle of one should purchase my book "An Elephant Doesn't Marry a Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney" which will be out this month. It is not only filled with amazing stories but also invaluable advice about how to achieve the best possible outcomes in your divorce case.