National Ex- Spouse Day Is Coming Soon - Five Healthy Ways to Celebrate

It will soon be here. April 14th is National Ex-Spouse Day. It falls exactly two months after Valentine's Day and one day before Tax Day (the day that the IRS takes away more of the money that your ex-spouse did not get). Fortunately, it is never too late to celebrate this national holiday. Moreover, there are numerous ways to show your ex-spouse exactly how you really feel about them.

Originally created in 1987 by the Reverend Ronald Coleman, the clergyman hoped that this holiday would become a day of forgiveness and healing. His premise was that couples who were going through or had gone through a difficult divorce needed to let go of all that anger, hurt and bitterness in order to effectively go on with their lives. Of course, Reverend Coleman also believed that a little levity was acceptable and in the holiday’s inaugural year he gave out buttons to people which read "I'm Okay - You're History. Let's look at some of the healthier ways you can celebrate this day.

Treat Yourself

Some ex-spouses choose to spend the day enjoying themselves by going to the beach or a spa or treating themselves to a fine bottle of champagne or scotch. Maybe it's time to take that vacation or get-away that you have always wanted to do. Take a friend, or perhaps a new love interest or partner, to lunch, dinner or a romantic evening.

Purge Your Life of Negativity

Get rid of objects or keepsakes of the marriage which remind you of that unhappy or negative time in your life. One ex-spouse held a "divorce tag sale" where she sold everything she acquired during the marriage. Other exes have elected to sell their wedding dresses, using clever ads such as "wedding dress for sale - worn once by mistake." Some have burned their dresses or dragged them through a pond or a lake. For those exes interested in turning a financial profit, some have sold their engagement rings or used its stones to make a beautiful cocktail ring or earrings. Another healthy thing to do is to delete those angry emails and text messages to and from your ex-spouse or the “divorce diary” you have been keeping at the urging of your therapist or divorce attorney.

Random Acts of Kindness

Some exes have channeled their hurt, disappointment and financial divorce proceeds into tremendously positive acts of charity and kindness. Two of the best examples of this are MacKenzie Scott (still among the richest woman in the world following her divorce from Jeff Bezos of Amazon fame) and Melinda Gates, who split from billionaire husband Bill Gates. Together, MacKenzie and Melinda initially donated $40 million dollars to various charities supporting gender equality. Since that time Scott has gone on to donate another $6 billion dollars to hundreds of organizations, including entities that are involved in caregiving, tech and career development, education and minority communities.

 Make the day about your children

Some people think back on even the unhappiest of marriages and comfort themselves with the happy thought that they still have these amazing, wonderful children. No matter how you feel about your former spouse on a personal level, your children are the result that relationship. Spend National Ex-Spouse Day doing something special with your children. However, there is no reason to explain to them the reason for this celebration.

Send Your Ex A Card, Email or Text

Of course, you can always send your ex-spouse an email, text or card. If you have a decent relationship with your ex-spouse, send a positive note or message thanking them for the good times or some special event that you shared. For those of you who are not yet at that place (or maybe never will be) there are those Hallmark greeting cards which conveys your true, current feelings, such as:

•     “I Am Not Still Mad At You. I Just Decided My Life Is Better Without You”

•     “Divorce – End Of An Error”

•      “Just A Friendly Reminder - Your Alimony Payment Is Past Due”

•      “I Used To Be Married… But I Am Much Better Now”

•     “It’s Not Me, It’s You…Actually, It’s Your Mother”

•      “My Therapist Is Glad I am Moving On From You”

•      “I Know I Will Never Find Anyone Like You Again. But That’s the Whole Point Of Divorce”

•       “You Can’t Fix Stupid – You Can Only Divorce It”

  
  

I will leave to all of you the question of whether to actually send out that card or just keep it on your dresser and smile as you walk past it. In the final analysis, it is my hope that you will use this day to achieve Reverend Coleman's goal of making it a day of forgiveness and healing.

DIVORCE SETTLEMENTS - HOW MUCH MONEY IS ENOUGH? OR MAYBE IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY

Within the context of divorce a frequently asked question is "how much money is it going to take to get this case settled? Is there a formula, mathematical calculation or rule of thumb which applies? If my many years as a divorce attorney have taught me anything it is the fact that divorce settlements are frequently not the product of monetary considerations or financial spreadsheets alone but are often inextricably tied to the emotions of the parties - emotions such as anger, rejection, humiliation and revenge.

The accuracy of this statement is currently exemplified by the New York divorce case between billionaire John Paulson and his long-standing wife, Jenny Paulson. Both parties are represented by high-profile, experienced divorce attorneys [I have no personal involvement in this case] and public relations firms which are seeking to seize the moral "high ground" for their clients while painting the other side as as an unreasonable and avaricious villain.

Recent news articles have asserted that John Paulson offered his wife of twenty one years and the mother of his two daughters "hundreds of millions in cash" , as well as a split of the marital assets - an offer which Jenny characterized as "humiliating and demeaning." According to sources aligned with John, he offered Jenny hundreds of millions upfront and millions in additional yearly amounts - which would make her "one of the richest women in America. " However, Jenny countered that this proposal is less than the amount of money he has set aside for their children and represents an "allowance" or "gimmick created to control her."

Unquestionably, both parties and counsel have and continue to make statements about the fairness or lack of fairness of the settlement offers made so far. For example, Jenny alleges that during the marriage John set up a secretive web of trusts, worth hundreds of millions of dollars, for the benefit of the children and "Paulson's legal wife" - the benefits of which trusts Jenny loses upon a divorce, in favor of the next “Mrs. Paulson” who already is engaged to John and is now waiting in the wings. For his part, John notes that the unwinding of the trusts demanded by Jenny will cost almost one billion dollars in taxes and thereby deprive the children of their rightful inheritance.

Whatever the correctness of the Paulson's respective legal positions I believe there is a much larger lesson to be learned from this case by all of those people who are about to begin, have started or are in the middle of a divorce case. Make sure that you do not publicly embarrass, humiliate, demean or denigrate your soon to be ex-spouse. There is a high price to be paid for such behavior and sometimes it is a price that is incapable of payment in simple dollars and cents - even millions of them.

Returning to the Paulson case for a moment, according to Jenny, in October of 2021 she found out that her billionaire hubby had filed for divorce and run off with a woman half his age by reading about it in Page Six of the NY Post. In Jenny's own words this astonishing discovery left her "blind-sided and devastated." Shortly thereafter, John and his thirty three year old fitness influencer, Alina de Almeida, moved into one of John's apartments together. Since then they have been constantly seen and photographed together at various high profile parties/media events and recently announced their engagement and mutual desire to have children.

When Jenny declares that she feels demeaned, humiliated and disrespected she is not simply talking about the amount of money offered by John in his settlement offers. Rather it is the totality of the things that she has been publicly forced to endure since his divorce filing. In this regard, I would reprise one of the stories from my book "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe- Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney." Once, a divorce attorney was going over the list of demands with a client made by the man's wife. "Oh and she wants you to rot in hell for all eternity. But I think that's negotiable." In some cases rotting in hell for all eternity is not negotiable, as Mr. Paulson and other divorcing spouses are finding out.

Finally, it is important to note that the significance of this fundamental point is not limited to those cases involving the rich and famous. Even in those cases where the parties are not dividing millions of dollars but much more modest assets, the misconduct, denigration and mean-spirited antics of one of the spouses will still represent a negative if not overwhelming obstacle to the amicable resolution of a divorce case, thereby driving up the cost of legal fees and expenses for everyone and prolonging the agony of an already difficult life circumstance. Caveat Client ! Your conduct matters.

Podcast - The Key Principles From The Critically Acclaimed Book "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney"

It is gratifying and overwhelming that my book, "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney", has received universal, critical acclaim, as reflected in the effusive five-star reviews posted by its readers.

Recently, I had the distinct pleasure of doing a podcast with Divorce Attorney Extraordinaire, Corey Shapiro, on his Getting Divorced Without Losing Your Mind Podcast. During our wide-ranging conversation, Corey and I discussed my book, as well as many of the core principles included therein, such as when to consult with a divorce attorney, how to hire the best attorney for your case, how to avoid the critical mistakes which undermine your divorce case and how to insulate your children from the harmful effects of divorce and how to move past your divorce in a healthy way.

This fascinating discussion is now available on You Tube as well as Corey's Website - Getting Divorced Without Losing Your Mind . Anyone who is contemplating a divorce, or already involved in, one will find the podcast invaluable and interesting. If you have any questions about the process of divorce and separation or would like to leave a comment you can contact me through my website, www.divorcedeverafter.com or write to me at Ron@divorcedeverafter.com .

 Please continue to support the book, which in available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Goodreads and Draft2Digital. and keep the reviews coming. Thank you so much.