What Am I, A Ghost ?

A number of years ago Paul Simon, the song-writer and entertainer, famously sang "there must be 50 ways to leave your lover." Well we can officially add one more to this list - Ghosting someone you are in a romantic relationship with.

As it relates to dating and intimate relationships ghosting is defined in Wikipedia as "the practice of ending all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said person." Figuratively and literally you become a ghost, cut off from any and all communication with and by the person you have been in a relationship with.

The term became a part of our modern lexicon in the early 2000's. Since then it has became more prevalent with the rise of dating apps and use of social media. Not only can you "swipe left" when you decide not to date someone but also you can now "swipe left" to stop dating them.

Psychologists and social scientists have recently noticed a dramatic increase in the practice of ghosting. As I discussed in a related post, a recent survey of 500 millennials showed that 57% had broken up with someone via a text message and 69% say they have been on the receiving end of such a message before. Indeed this survey also showed that once someone has been ghosted they, in turn, are more likely to employ ghosting as a means of ending a subsequent relationship.

This trend is not limited to millennials. The actress, Chalize Theron, broke off her engagement to Sean Penn, the actor, during their joint appearance at the Cannes Film Festival by ghosting him (i.e. I will take red carpet photographs with you but please don't call or text me). By doing so she earned herself the "Black Belt in Ghosting" according to New York Magazine. Matt Damon did likewise with his former girlfriend who didn't figure out that she was a "former" for several weeks. Finally, the aging songster/entertainer Phil Collins found out from his on-again-off-again wife, Orianne Collins, that they were through via a text message. What was different about this? They were both in the house together when she sent the text to him.

So, who and why do people ghost their romantic partners or acquaintances? Primarily, people ghost in a relationship as a way of avoiding that difficult and often emotionally draining conversation with your friend or lover. For sure it is a “kiss off” more cruel than the slightly less harsh letdown “it's not you, it’s me."

A recent survey from BuzzFeed indicated that 81% of people who ghosted did so because they "weren't into" the person they ghosted, 64% said the person they ghosted did something they disliked, and 25% stated they were angry with the person. Of course, the person on the receiving end of the ghosting has no idea why this happened. Instead they are left with the feeling "it must be me - it's not you."

The reality is that the practice of ghosting says more about the person who is doing the ghosting. People who are reluctant to get very close to anyone else due to trust and dependency issues often use indirect methods of ending relationships such as ghosting.

Mental health experts have also found that the more that individuals subscribe to what are called destiny beliefs (which means they think people are either meant for each other or they're not) the more they tend to think that ghosting is an acceptable way of ending a relationship. In their world "it just was not meant to be" so I don’t need to take responsibility for ending it and I don’t have to explain to the other person how destiny works.

Indeed, this was the very excuse used by a self-centered boyfriend who had received a life-saving kidney transplant from his girlfriend. Instead of being eternally grateful he cheated on her and then later dumped her over the telephone saying: "If we are meant for each other, God will bring us back together in the end." Apparently he was absent from school the day they taught the lessons on “empathy” and “gratitude."

However, the worst example of ghosting involved the case of Brie Duval, a 25 year old Australian beauty living in Canada with her partner of four years. In August of last year Brie experienced a tragic and life threatening accident when she fell headfirst from an elevated parking structure. She was rushed to the hospital by helicopter and placed on life support with a traumatic brain injury and multiple broken bones. Her doctors told her parents that she only had a 10% chance of survival. Despite the grim prognosis the parents refused to discontinue life support treatments. Brie remained in a coma for four weeks.

Miraculously, Brie emerged from her coma and showed signs of improvement. When she was strong enough to speak and her memory had returned sufficiently the doctors gave Brie her cell phone back. Her first thought was to call her boyfriend of four years who, strangely, had not been to visit her. Brie's recovery became all the more difficult and painful when she opened the phone and found a message from another woman telling her that Brie's boyfriend had moved in with her and instructing Brie not to contact him. The boyfriend had also blocked her from any telephonic contact.

Brie continued to be hospitalized for five more months and has substantially recovered from the trauma of the fall. As to the trauma of the ghosting Brie observed "“I have not heard from him since I have been in hospital, he’s completely and utterly left me in the dust. So I don’t even have closure as to why this happened." Indeed Brie suggested that the letdown of the relationship was almost as painful as the traumatic brain injury.

Some mental health professionals consider ghosting to be a passive aggressive form emotional abuse and emotional cruelty. Indeed a movement is afoot in the Philippines to make ghosting an emotional offense with penalties including mandatory community service.

Certainly attempts to criminalize such behavior in the United States would face definitional problems (what kind of relationship is protected; how long must the people be in a relationship; what about fault?) as well as other societal objections. However, it is obvious that ghosting will be under further scrutiny from psychiatrists, psychologists, other mental health professionals and, of course, the mavens of social media.

Unexpected And Unusual Discoveries That Signal That The Relationship Is Over

There seems to be no limit to the unimaginable and unexpected ways spouses and intimate partners find out that the relationship is over. There are many instances when a spouse or partner accidentally discovers those incriminating LLP texts or photos on the other's computer or IPhone. But here is a twist on the old tale.

Many of us have installed a “Ring Doorbell” or other similar doorbell security devices at the entrances to our homes. These devices activate a camera which not only notifies the homeowner when there is a person or package at the front door but also creates a video which is preserved and available for viewing on the device's security site. Apparently these doorbells can also be useful in catching your spouse or partner in an illicit affair.

Kaylie Kristina and her husband installed such a device at the front door of their home. In October of 2021, Kaylie left the house to go on a previously planned family trip. Her husband stayed behind, claiming that he was "too sick to go" - an excuse which she found suspicious. When she returned home and checked the camera’s security footage, Kaylie saw her husband and a scantily clad woman sneaking out of the front door of the marital residence late at night. On the video, the husband is seen kissing the woman and grabbing her derriere as she leaves the home, gets into her car and blows him a kiss. The mystery woman was either a lover or a miracle worker since the husband appeared to have fully recovered from the illness which kept him from the family trip.

A few months later Kaylie posted the video on Tik Tok, where it has been viewed more than 5 million times –thereby insuring her husband’s 15 minutes of fame as a cheating spouse. Kaylie also changed the locks and excluded the husband from the house. So far his attempts at reconciliation have failed and I don't think he is coming back from this disaster. As Adele recently suggested maybe its time to think "Divorce Babe, Divorce."

Sometimes, however, the clues are much more subtle leaving ample room for ambiguity. How many of us have returned to our parked cars to find a note or flyer on the windshield? In January a wife in Australia found such a missive on the windshield of her husband’s car. However, it was not an advertisement. Rather it was an apparent love note which read; “I didn’t/couldn’t see you. We had to go – the kids were done lol. I’ll call you tomorrow. C”.

The discovery was made on the couple’s first wedding anniversary. The distraught wife dumped her husband despite his denials that he was cheating on her. The husband then went on the town’s Facebook community page begging the note writer to clear up mistake occasioned by the note.

Ultimately, the woman who had penned the note came forward and explained that she had put the note intended for someone else on the wrong car. According to the wife and her husband they then spoke to the note writer and “it’s all been sorted out.” Wow, that was close. Had the mystery writer not come forward the couple were definitely headed for divorce court.

Want another subtle clue. How about when your boyfriend suddenly makes you break out in hives? One woman found out her partner was cheating on her when he returned home and gave her a hug. The woman who is allergic to olapex, a hair care product designed to strengthen and beautify hair, immediately broke out into hives. The woman concluded that he had been with another lady with gorgeous hair. Seeing her immediate allergic reaction the woman then broke off her relationship with the hive-producing boyfriend. Her post to Tik Tok racked up over 6 million views, including many who voted in favor of the boyfriend's innocence.

Finally, in the early 1960’s Rudy Clark composed a song entitled “It’s In His Kiss”, reprised and made popular by Cher in the 1990’s. According to the lyrics, “if you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss. A woman from the United States shared on her Tik Tok account that she knew her fiancé was cheating on her when “he started kissing me differently”. The woman went on to say ‘I remember it so vividly. He came home one night and when he kissed me something felt different, like he was a stranger.” Well at least she did not break out in hives.

When questioned, the fiancé told her she was paranoid and just looking for a reason to be mad at him. However, the woman was so convinced that he was a cheater that she broke off the engagement, aided by the 66,000 Tik Tok users who agreed with her posting and told her to trust her instincts.

Apart from the unequivocal visual evidence garnered by the Ring Doorbell incident, the other circumstances cited above leave room for otherwise innocent explanations. However, as noted in another recent post ("Honey-Trapping: The Art of Uncovering Infidelity") 85% of women are correct when they think that their spouse or intimate partners are cheating on them. Said differently I would not bet against the women who concluded that their lovers had been unfaithful. Of course they could remove all doubt by hiring a private investigator or better yet a "honey-trapper.

HOW TO KNOW WHEN IS THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER -AMAZING TRUE STORIES

IS THAT REALLY YOU? IMAGINATIVE WAYS TO

SHOW THAT THE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER

When love turns to anger, hate or loathing, former lovers and spouses often find dramatic ways to communicate their feelings. For some reason, women seem to be particularly imaginative and creative in the ways they say goodbye.

Take the case of Missy Peterson, a real estate agent and mom of two. During her two year relationship with her former boyfriend he revealed to her that he spent time frequenting “strip clubs”, getting lap dances and having sex with some of the performers. When Missy threatened to leave him, he promised her that he would avoid such places and be true to her.

In the aftermath of his vow of chastity, he often disappeared for days on end, a clear signal that his cavorting ways were not over. Peterson then installed a GPS tracker on his vehicle and one night was able to track her boyfriend to one of his favorite hangouts. She could have simply confronted him when he got home but that was much too simple. Instead, Missy went to her closet and picked out her sexiest outfit, a wig and her best high-heeled shoes.

Peterson then went down to the strip club and gained access to the performers’ dressing room. When Missy explained to these ladies that she wanted to surprise her soon to be ex-boyfriend, they dressed her up, lent her their best “stripper shoes” and even coached her on some moves she could use on the pole in the lounge. Missy, who had never even been to a strip club, then made her way to the stage where she seductively danced to a tune from Rihanna right in front of her boyfriend.

While he was not amused and in fact angry, other patrons cheered loudly, throwing money at her. Peterson then scooped up the money, “flipped him the bird” and told the boyfriend that he “will never see her again” – a promise that she kept. She then returned to her career as a real estate agent, despite the job offer from the owner of the strip club.

This circumstance is mild compared to the harrowing saga of an Australian woman named Noela Rukundo who was married for ten years to Balenga Kalala. The husband, who erroneously thought she was cheating on him, hired a group of hit men to kill her. The assailants kidnapped Rukundo for several days, taking her to an abandoned building and tying her to a chair. The men wanted to know what she had done to her husband to make him want to kill her. When she refused to believe that her husband was behind this they called him and asked what they should do with her. His response, heard by Noela on the speaker phone, was “kill her.”

Fortuitously, the kidnappers knew her brother and decided not to carry out the plot but did manage to fleece the husband out of the money for the hit. They told the husband that Noela was dead but instead released her and gave her recordings of their conversations with Kalala along with receipts for the $7,000 contract price.

Armed with the incriminating evidence Rukundo could have simply gone to the police and had him arrested. Instead, she waited until her husband had arranged her funeral. He told their friends and relatives that Noela had died in a tragic accident.

When the last of the mourners had left the funeral -her funeral- Rukundo appeared from behind a tree, startling her husband who was terrified and kept repeating “is it my eyes….is it a ghost.” Noela replied “surprise, I am still alive.” When he touched her shoulder and found it very much solid, Kalala told her “I am sorry for everything.” He was even sorrier when Noela called the police and had him arrested. Ultimately, Kalala was convicted and sentenced to 9 years in jail.

Apart from the millions of Tik-Tok viewers who have commented on this amazing story, a 2021 Lifetime film was made based upon her story called "Death Saved My Life."