The Definitive Guide to Uncovering Infidelity - "Fifty Ways" To Unmask A Cheater

During my many years as a divorce attorney I have handled hundreds of cases where infidelity has been at the core of the couple's breakup. Every one of these breakups comes with their own unique stories of when, how and why someone strayed. Moreover, in each of these instances there are lessons to be learned from how the broken-hearted person discovered their lover's transgressions.

Years ago, Paul Simon, the great singer and song writer, catalogued the "fifty ways" to leave your lover. Based upon my experience as a ring side observer to the demise of many a relationship occasioned by infidelity, I can definitely tell you that there are more than fifty ways to unmask an unfaithful lover. In this article I share a multitude of ways in which someone nailed a cheating spouse or lover.

Since the dawn of time infidelity has existed. What has changed, over the years, are the efforts and lengths to which the cheaters will go to hide their misdeeds. Equally prolific are the efforts, devices and ingenious strategies which the other party to the relationship will employ to uncover the infidelity. All of this is shaped by technological changes, innovations and advances in our society, including the latest development - artificial intelligence.

Years ago, if someone wanted to find out if their spouse was cheating, they would hire a private detective to conduct surveillance on the suspected errant husband or wife. However, not only was this methodology hit or miss in terms of effectiveness but also it was extremely costly and time consuming since it required hours and hours of covert observation to catch an errant spouse or lover "in flagrante delicto"- as the private detective might say. Nevertheless, divorce attorneys would frequently suggest such a strategy when a client wanted proof or evidence that their spouse was committing adultery. In many instances, this strategy proved effective, but at an enormous financial cost.

Less costly and more targeted are the efforts of a new breed of hired sleuths who have come to be known, in the vernacular, as "honey trappers." Typically, honey trapping is "a practice whereby a person, typically a woman, is paid by someone to flirt with their boyfriends or husbands, directly or online to see if they will take the bait." Some enterprising women, such as Dani Bose, a British beauty and Carolina Lekker, a former Playboy model, advertise their services and have made a lucrative career out of testing the loyalty and faithfulness of various men suspected of cheating.

Both Bose and Lekker have millions of followers on social media sites. Lekker charges approximately $1,500 to make contact with the targeted spouse or lover, to entice them into a tryst. Of course, their services also come with a money back guarantee if the target rejects their overtures. How common is it to utilize these services? One honey trapper, Madeline Smith, claims to have exposed over 1,000 cheaters and posts her successes on Tik Tok, where she has 87,000 followers and over 1,500,000 likes.

With the rise of the omni-present computer came new opportunities to reveal the presence of infidelity. The personal computer is a virtual treasure trove of deceit, financial shenanigans and cheating. Having the log-in information for a targeted computer is the open-sez-a-me to incriminating emails (both current and deleted), on-line banking (including bank statements and copies of checks) and credit card statements which may reveal any purchases at Victoria Secrets, Tiffany's, flower shops and candy stores for items which do not show up at the marital home. Once you are into the computer, the incriminating evidence can be quickly preserved and/or later subpoenaed by the party who intends to make use of the evidence.

Also available is a keystroke program which can be downloaded onto the computer used by your spouse – a program which can be purchased online for about $49.00. This program, which is virtually undetectable, allows you to create a copy of everything written by the cheater. However, it must be pointed out that the use of such sites and apps is also illegal in most jurisdictions and comes with enormous untoward consequences. Not only is the evidence gathered from the use of this app suppressible in the divorce case but also it opens the person who engaged in this activity to criminal liability. While there are some exceptions which allow the use of this evidence, it is critically important to consult with an attorney about the legality of using this program.

How else can the computer be used to ferret out infidelity? In one case which I was involved in a clever spouse used the email "auto-forwarding" function to receive a blind copy (bcc) of all emails sent out by the suspected spouse, which produced incriminating and incontrovertible evidence of infidelity. Like the issue with the key stroke program discussed above, the legality of this method of evidence gathering is also a legal minefield.

All of the techniques which are employed with regard to computers also apply to our smart phones. Emails, texts and direct messages located on such phones are often powerful evidence of infidelity. However, downloading apps on your spouse’s smartphone with the capability to secretly listen in on conversations or record them is also a big No-No.

Much like the ability to "auto-forward" emails from a computer, our smart phones can also be set up to forward emails, texts and voice messages. Of course, there are articles on the internet and You-Tube which explain not only how to auto-forward such messages but also how to thwart the practice if you are the cheater. However, if ownership of the smart phone or the provider account in question is in someone else’s name or joint name — say, a spouse or lover — it too is a legal gray area. The main reason I mention these programs and apps is not to encourage their use but to warn potential users of the dangers inherent in their use, especially since the companies and individuals that promote such products advertise them as though there are no legal risks to them.

Next, there is the entire subject of "tracking" your spouse or lover. Here, there are a myriad of possibilities. As global positioning systems continue to grow and become more sophisticated, so do the possibilities for tracking an unfaithful lover. The question "where were you last night" has been now replaced with "I know the address where you were last night." In this regard there are a number of apps which will allow you to track a wandering spouse or lover, such as "Connect," "Find My Friends," "Trick or Tracker," "Phone Tracker," "AccuTracking,""Family Orbit" and "MSpy." Most of these apps require the consent, actual or implied (i.e. I own the phone or device) of the party to be tracked - an inherent limitation). Moreover, please remember that for every tracker there is some cheater who is covering their tracks.

Of course, these tracking apps are not to be confused with Find My iPhone (free on iOS), which will give the location of a lost or stolen phone via Apple Maps on a map and also works for locating an iPod, iPad and a variety of associated products. Even though this app contemplates the knowledge and consent of the person whose device is being tracked, some people have found ingenious ways to work around this limitation.

For example, one jealous lover secretly put his AirPods into his girlfriend's pocketbook to track her movements. Airpods, as well as Airtags (for luggage and other assorted places such as cars, wallets, etc.), can be tracked through the Find My Phone app. As soon as the girlfriend found the Air Pods in her bag, she suspected that they were being used to track her movements, especially when the man did not call to ask about them.

Similarly, a husband tracked his wife to the home of her lover when she drove there in a car in which their son had mistakenly left his iPad. Looking for the child's missing iPad, the husband used his Find My Phone app., to locate the iPad which unerringly brought him to the love nest, where he found his naked wife and her equally "unmasked" boss.

As a final take away on the whole issue of tracking, the legality of such practices vary from state to state and indeed may impose criminal sanctions on the tracker for the crime of stalking. Thus, a prior consultation with an attorney is a must.

Well, what about the use of cameras? It is estimated that by 2025, around 50 billion households worldwide will be using smart doorbells. Typically, both spouses are aware of the existence of such devices, such as the "Ring Doorbell," so that the images captured are typically not subject to privacy considerations. In spite of such knowledge, there have been multiple instances of Ring capturing cheating lovers attempting to sneak their latest flames in or out of the house.

Of course, there is the use of “nanny cams” or other “hidden cameras” to catch your spouse in compromising situations. Recently, a woman shared on Tik Tok that she set up a camera in her home because she believed that her husband was cheating on her. What the hidden camera captured was her husband fooling around with the wife’s best friend, who had been invited to stay at the couple’s home by the wife as a temporary measure. The wife shared the cheating video and the subsequent one where she confronted the wayward husband and her friend (including the fisticuffs which ensued) on Tik Tok.  Let’s hope that the next video is not the wife going off to prison for the felony of illegal eavesdropping.

Some states such as Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Washington, Florida, Illinois, Maryland Massachusetts, New Hampshire, California, Montana, Michigan and Nevada have said that the use of hidden cameras without the consent of the person recorded is illegal. Less clear is whether such laws apply to divorcing spouses who secretly record their mates inside the marital home. However, an Iowa court recently found that a man had violated his wife’s privacy by videotaping her with a camera surreptitiously installed in an alarm clock in her bedroom in their home. The lesson here, once again, is to get good advice from an experienced divorce attorney in your state.

Now let us turn to social media. Some people can hardly move a step, engage in an activity, take a trip or spend a moment in their or someone else's home without posting a picture or reel on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn or X. Because they are the one typically doing the posting, there is no legitimate right to privacy in such images and information. Not only do such sites contain images and links to "friends" (some closer friends than others) but also some contain geotags which identify where and when the pictures where taken - a tracking clue in and of itself.

For every person combing through their spouse or lover's social media accounts, there is a cheater who is using Snapchat to defeat such oversight. Because Snapchat deletes chats and pictures after sending them, cheaters turn to the app to keep their conversations a secret. However, you can turn the tables on the cheater by using Snapchat to see how often someone else is contacting your partner. In this instance you can create and check your own Snapchat account to see if your partner has a 💛, ❤️, or 💕next to their name, which means you are each other’s best friends. If you don’t see any hearts next to their name or the blushing face emoji (😊), then it means there’s someone else they’re sending pics and chats to more often than you.

Next, we turn to the world of digital devices which track a variety of activities, uses and measurements. These seemingly innocuous digital devices offer unique opportunities for the wary or suspicious at heart.

Take for example the bathroom scale. Who knew that it could not only tell your weight but whether your spouse is cheating on you. In a recent case, the wife went away for the weekend leaving her husband alone. When she returned from her trip the wife checked the digital scale’s memory and it showed two ‘unassigned’ weigh-ins at exactly 120 lbs, logged at 12:25 a.m. and 12:26 a.m. back-to-back, on the days that she was away. Neither the husband nor his wife weighs 120 pounds. But, apparently, the svelte girlfriend does. Busted!!!!

Similarly, an electronic toothbrush also spilled the beans on another cheater. Recently, a wife and mom downloaded an electric toothbrush app to get her kids to properly brush their pearly whites and tracked their usage of the toothbrush. Little did she or her husband realize that the app tracked every family member and user who brushed their teeth, including the time, date and length of the brushing. Over time, the wife noticed her husband’s brushing history was being logged at odd times - times when he was supposed to be at work. This discovery caused the wife to hire a private investigator who then determined that the husband had started an affair with a work colleague and regularly had her over to the family home on a Friday when the wife and kids were out of the house. Another Bust!!!!

As it turns out, evidence of cheating might not be only hidden in computers, cell phones, or digital devices. It could be sitting right there on the overlooked part of their bank statement. This gets filed under the category - "follow the money" or more particularly the Cash withdrawals from the ATM.

Cheaters long ago figured out that checks made out to Louis Vuitton or credit card charges for Victoria Secrets were tantamount to taking out an ad in the N.Y. Times that reads "I am cheating on you - signed your husband." We are basically a cashless society these days, so if your spouse or lover had almost always used their credit cards and suddenly starts doing ATM withdrawals — that’s a clue worth following. Now look at the time of the withdrawal and where it occurred. Are there multiple withdrawals at 1 or 2 o'clock in morning? Did they happen at the ATM next to or in the Strip Club? Yes, he could have been innocently giving a needy stripper a helping hand, but the opposite is more likely so.

Sometimes the evidence of infidelity just hits us in the face without any warning or effort to uncover the deceit. Two of the more recent and classic examples of this make the point. CEO Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot, his company's head of Human Resources, were caught at a Coldplay Concert on the jumbotron kiss cam romantically holding each other. As they ducked and scrambled for cover, the band's lead singer correctly and pointedly noted: "he's either having an affair or he's very shy." The subsequent firings of the two employees and the divorce filings that occurred thereafter established that it was the former.

Finally, the evidence of infidelity can sometimes be gleaned from simply reading the newspaper. A woman revealed that she had been reading the birth announcements in the local paper. The announcement contained the parent’s names, the date the child was born, what hospital, and if it was a boy or a girl. The wife immediately recognized her husband's moniker which was an unusual name. She then decided to look up the hospital website, as she knew they posted pictures of new babies there. When she typed in her husband's name and the mother's first name, sure enough, they had a baby boy a few days prior. But not only that, they had a baby girl about a year and a half before that. Yikes!!!!

These are just some of the "fifty ways" to unmask a cheating lover. I am certain the you readers could add many more from your own personal knowledge and you are invited to do so by leaving a comment on this website or posting site. No names are necessary.

To the extent that I have not made it clear enough, be careful to consult with an experienced divorce attorney before using any of the methods discussed above. Illegal eavesdropping and stalking are crimes punishable by incarceration. The goal is to obtain a divorce from your cheating spouse not to become a criminal yourself.

Ronald Bavero is a well known divorce attorney, legal educator, and author of the critically acclaimed, five-star book, "An Elephant Doesn't Marry A Giraffe - Everything I Learned As A Divorce Attorney." He also maintains the instant website of information and valuable articles about the process of divorce and separation.