THE # 1 OVERLOOKED SIGN THAT A DIVORCE IS JUST AHEAD

Some signs of divorce are obvious and predictable, like the sign pictured above. You find telling photos, texts, voice messages on your spouse's phone, PDA or computer. Maybe your spouse is paying much more attention to their personal appearance or has been to the plastic surgeon. Inexplicably, your husband buys the convertible or the sailboat that he has always wanted. All of these are indeed storm clouds that cause people to take heed.

But one of the most telling signs that a divorce may be in the offing is not one that you would even think about, unless you are a divorce attorney or have been through your own divorce. Be very wary when your spouse says, "that it is time for you to go back to work."

I cannot tell you how many times in my divorce practice when the stay-at-home spouse, frequently the wife, mentions to me that her husband has been constantly telling her that it is "time to get a job." Often, a number of different rationales are offered by this spousal employment counsellor. "We could really use the extra money"; or "it would be good for your self-esteem"; or "the children are in school all day or old enough to take care of themselves"; or "we could use your salary to buy the things we always wanted or take that European vacation."

Indeed, some of these professed reasons may be very true and innocent but they may also signal a hidden agenda or motivation. Why? Because the spouse urging "re-employment" may have already decided to initiate a divorce and wants to ensure that he does not have to pay alimony and/or wants his unsuspecting wife to contribute to any child support awards. And how does he know that? Most likely, because he has already seen a divorce attorney in a consultation and received advice about how to limit his obligations or financial exposure to his soon-to-be jettisoned spouse.

As I have discovered in my divorce practice, the people who came to my office for a consultation fell into two broad categories. One was comprised of the people who knew they wanted a divorce and often said "it had been coming for years." They were there to gather information so that they could construct a detailed divorce plan one which minimized their financial obligations, before announcing their intentions to their spouse. The other group was made up of people who professed that they had little to no idea that a divorce was in the offing, said "they were shocked and blindsided," and claimed that the divorce "came out of nowhere."

In reality, the divorce announcement probably did not come "out of the blue" but rather the unsuspecting spouse had failed to read or recognize the clues that a divorce was just ahead. Sometimes, a conversation about downsizing ("this house is too big and too costly") or reducing spending (I just reduced our credit card limit) or re-employment (putting aside the misogynistic nature of the concept itself- i.e., the stay-at-home spouse doesn't actually work) has no hidden agenda. Still, when a spouse repeatedly hears one or more of these expressions it may be time to say how do I protect myself from a divorce that may be on the horizon?

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Is "Phubbing" A New Ground For Divorce?

What is "phubbing" and can we now officially label it a new cause for divorce? Phubbing is a word coined some time ago by combining the words "phone" and "snubbing". As it relates to marriage and other romantic relationships, it is the practice of ignoring one's spouse or romantic partner in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device.

Phubbing can take many forms. Some examples. Does your spouse check their phone every time it rings, even at dinner table? Are they constantly looking at their phone or PDA while you are having a conversation with them? Do they take their phone with them everywhere they go, including the bathroom (no pun intended)? Are they half-heartedly listening to you while they are texting someone else? Do they bring their phone to bed and use it while lying next to you? Does your partner start to use their phone when there is an awkward silence or lull in the conversation or as a means of avoiding an uncomfortable conversation? Well guess what? If you answered yes to any of these questions you are being "Phubbed." And it has caused many people to say "what the Phubb" or more to the point "how the Phubb do I stop this"?

Obviously, this phenomenon is the direct result of modern technology, social media sites, programs, games and apps which have taken over our lives by oversaturation and addictive algorithms designed to keep us glued to the screen of our phones and PDA's. Some recent statistics bear this out. The rate of smartphone ownership in the United States has risen over the last few years, with almost 250 million smartphone users as of 2023 and an anticipated jump to over 311.53 million smartphone users in America by 2025. The average mobile phone user checks their phone up to 58 times daily. Americans spend an average screen time of 4 hours and 25 minutes on their mobile phones daily, including phone calls, texts, videos, apps, games and social media sites.

Said differently, we are all constantly being enticed, solicited and encouraged to ignore people physically present around us, including our friends, lovers, spouses and intimate partners, in favor of interacting with our virtual "friends", "contacts" "influencers" and "celebrities", with their photo-shopped appearances and curated lives.

So, what's the harm to the "phubber" and the "phubbee"? The early studies by researchers, social scientists and even divorce professionals have concluded that phubbing is adding a great deal of stress to our individual lives and is negatively impacting our marital and romantic relationships. One study found that phubbing decreases marital satisfaction. Conflicts over phone use were the driving force of this decline in marital satisfaction. One woman who was constantly phubbed by her husband likened it to getting slapped in the face. Another wife said it more directly: “When your marriage fails because somebody didn’t want to come in second place to a f – – king [phone] screen, don’t cry about it.”

Similar studies found that spouses who phubb each other experience higher rates of depression, resentment and isolation. While phubbing, in and of itself, may not directly lead to divorce it certainly can become the tipping point that pushes the relationship over the cliff.

How problematic is this activity? Just to put it in context, a recent study found that the urge to check social media is stronger than the urge for sex. The question then becomes how do we stop this deleterious, destructive, addictive behavior? It starts with having an open and honest discussion with your spouse or significant other about the effects of their phubbing - i.e. what it is doing to him, her and your relationship. But don't stop there.

One woman took the clever next step to highlight and stop her husband's behavior. The fed-up wife created a reusable adhesive sticker called the “Phone Phlag,” which she slaps on his phone anytime he becomes spellbound by his cell - a strategy which has proved helpful in curtailing this activity and adding levity to an otherwise serious problem. She even turned this into a business opportunity by selling phone phlag's on Etsy.

Other suggestions. Create No Phone Zones. Make your dinner table, bedroom, and car no-phone zones and put the phones and tablets away when you are there. Also, you can create No Phone Times like evenings out, date nights, vacation days, etc. You can even do this by simply turning off your phone or using the phone feature "turn on downtime until tomorrow."

No matter how attached you are to your phone, remember the words of the spouse who said: “Are you going to be laying on your deathbed, wishing that you had more time with your phone?" I don't think so!

WARNING: IF YOU ARE READING THIS WHILE YOUR SPOUSE IS IN THE ROOM OR TALKING TO YOU, PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TABLE.

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What Is The Number One Goal Of Divorce?

In my divorce practice I have often told my clients that there is no "winning" your divorce case. The best you can hope for is to survive it with your sanity, integrity, financial wherewithal and important relationships intact.

How do you achieve this essential goal? The answer from fellow divorce attorneys, judges, mediators, divorce coaches, mental health professionals, former clients and a host of readers who are about to, are, or have been involved in the process of separation and divorce, is unanimous. You need to buy and read this book. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and Draft2Digital.